Flaws in Design.

Still waiting for those recalls.

Have you ever taken a moment to think about the design of the how the human body?

It really is a cluster fuck. I’m not saying that I could do a better job, but there are a few design flaws that I would eliminate from the get go.

Example 1: Rejecting Toxins

When I was in middle school, we had to dissect an owl pellet. I didn’t know what it was and when I learned, it was fairly disgusting, but I will briefly explain for those who don’t know. After an owl eats a rodent whole, there are a bunch of parts that the owl body simply cannot digest. So those parts, like the fur, bones and claws get stored in the gizzard. The gizzard compacts them into a ball of fur and matter called a pellet, and the owl regurgitates it. As I said early, it’s gross, but think of the beauty of that system. Whatever the owl’s system cannot digest it coughs up, and it’s done with it. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the human body did that? I mean as it stands now, the human body is a sponge; indiscriminately absorbing anything that we put into the human system with reckless abandon.

Honestly, I’m calling bullshit. With all the intricacy that it takes for a signal to go from the brain down to your hand in order to tell your finger to move; you mean to tell me the human body system could not devise a way to accept what is good for the body and reject what is not. We should have a gizzard. Anything poisonous is separated out and placed into the gizzard. Too high in cholesterol? Into the gizzard. Too much sugar? Into the gizzard. Is it paper or particle board? Into the gizzard. Then our human gizzard could compact it, probably not as neatly as bones, fur and claws, but it’d form a human pellet, and then out it goes, right out the old pie hole. Imagine how much healthier our bodies would be if it could accept as much as it needs to function at an optimal level and then reject the rest.

Into the Gizzard.

Example 2: Compartmentalization

The human body should have panel accessible compartments; most specifically for the cranial sinus system and for the digestive system. Let’s begin with the sinuses. When you have a head cold, not only are your sinuses inundated with virus-laden mucus, but the passages themselves are swollen nearly shut and the membranes are thin, leading to heavy congestion and nasal bleeding. This shit is unnecessary. If we had panels on either sides of our nose, below each eye, we could just pop them open (imagine a sucking, popping sound) and evacuate all of that misery-causing mucus. The length of time that the human body would have to devote to a cold would be cut in half, and none of that bitch ass post nasal drip to keep you up coughing at night.

Now for the digestive system. There are so many things that can go wrong with the digestive system that I could spend all day listing them, but I want to focus on is expulsion of gas and waste. Why is it so complicated? Once it’s time for the poop to exit the anus is just not efficient. Not at all. We need a panel; maybe in the lower abdomen, hip region. When it’s time to void your bowels, flip open a panel and empty it out. Now I know this thought is leaning towards the disgusting side, but for convenience, our extremely efficient large intestines would absorb all of the water, so that it’d be like a brick. We could dump it out and be done with it. We would also use this same panel to release gas. No more painful gas trapped in various areas of the body, no more embarrassing flatulence, no more debilitating hemorrhoids.

Example 3: Reproduction

There are all sorts of things that could be altered about the reproductive organs, but let’s start with something basic, before going to the extreme. The menstrual cycle. Why is this even a thing? Being female, I thought at length about the necessity of the female menstrual cycle. I have thought at length about the benefit of the female menstrual cycle, and I cannot find one reason why it should continue. The uterine lining thickens in preparation for a fertilized egg coming through and implanting. If there is no fertilized egg coming through, then what the hell is the point of preparing? Things in the female body begin to change just as soon as fertilization occurs. Why can’t the uterus wait until then to get its shit in gear, instead of being an overachiever every fucking month?

Death from Hemorrhaging.

And why must birth be a goddamn magic trick? Let me show you how to pull a rabbit out of my ass. C-sections have all the danger of major surgery and longer recovery times, but at least it makes sense. Go in and get the baby from the front, as opposed to passing a Fiat through a keyhole. My solution to this problem…. Another panel. We should have a birth panel that we can flip open (imagine a popping sound) and there emerges a brand new smiling, giggling baby, free of goo and with a well-typed set of instructions gripped in its tiny fist.

Better yet we can keep all the sexual aspects of sexual reproduction but actually reproduce asexually. We can fuck to our hearts or parts content, and then when it’s time to reproduce, we’d just divide. Do you all remember that dude from Men in Black, who would grow back his head after it got shot off… It’d look something like that. It might sting, but it’d be quick and neat.

See! Like that!

I’m sure I’m asking for too much. But it is just a thought or two. Right now, my boyfriend and I are trying to figure out how to evolve to not require food to live, in less than a lifetime. I’ll let you know how that pans out.

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